Today we move on to some of the worst possible songs for a spinster to hear, particularly on a bad day. My advice for sensitive or lonely people is to skip over these songs as quickly as possible and continue on with your day. It’s just not necessary to be this affected by a song. Also, I try to make these songs more mainstream so more people can be saved from these gut-wrenching, heart-breaking songs.
TERRIBLE SONGS FOR A SPINSTER:
1. Hiding My Heart by Adele (Originally by Brandi Carlile)
I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I’ve ever known
You’ll disappear one day
So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Nevermind the fact that the subject of this song is already so depressing, but with Adele singing it the sadness becomes inflated by super steroids. There’s been studies and parodies on why her tear-jerker “Someone Like You” is so tragic, but the tiny bit of optimism in that song (“Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you”) is something that the spinster cannot afford to have. “Hiding My Heart” does not have any optimism, which is why however fitting this song is, it is still a horrible reminder of the long road ahead.
2. Love Story by Taylor Swift
Marry me, Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone.
I love you, and that’s all I really know.
I talked to your dad ‒ go pick out a white dress
It’s a love story, baby, just say, “Yes”.
Oh hellllll no. No, no, no. Just no. Nothing much to say about this one, other than the fact that whoever thought this romantic fantasy was a good idea can slowly rot away on a deserted island somewhere. Alright, that may have been a bit harsh, but white dress, love story, really??! Somewhere out there a teenage girl is looking at a plethora of wedding gowns and planning her dream wedding. She will be faced with the harsh reality that nothing in life is that fluffy or pure. Good luck to you.
3. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
Oh dear. A spinster can look at this two ways. 1) Literally: The person that could have salvaged her from being forever alone is now gone for good. It was risky, but the small glimmer of hope for graduating spinsterdom was enough, but clearly it did not pay off in the end. 2) Figuratively: The “almost lover” is the hope for finding a happy and steady relationship someday. Now that this hope is gone…all that remains is the luckless romance that will carry on for a long, long time.
4. Boyfriend by Justin Bieber
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go
Justin Bieber is basically forcing the listener to imagine herself in a relationship (probably in one with him, which induces further trauma). This song puts the spinster in an extremely vulnerable place, and it’s not one that she can easily get out of. Once she is dreaming about what it would be like to “chill by the fire eating fondue” with her potential boyfriend, she’s forced down a very very dark path that she can’t easily turn away from.
5. I Can’t Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t ‘
Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t
Yup. Basically a spinster can’t make anybody love them. Listening to this is simply a horrible idea, because there is a realization that it’s not really up to the spinster to solve this unromantic life, rather, the fate is in another person’s hands. Not only is a frightening truth, it’s something that is hard to change. Seriously, it’s easier just to skip this song.