Coming back from my last class of this semester, I suddenly had an urge to share some random thoughts I’ve accumulated in the last few months.
Nothing major (love or heartbreak) has happened, but I’ve had a lot of self-reflection and thoughts about relationships. Most of it come from the experiences of my own friends, but having that placed within the context of my own life has and will continue to mold my perspective.
In my previous post, I said something about learning to let things go and to stop over-thinking. Without really keeping that “goal” in mind, these past few months I’ve had to deal with the consequences and issues of over-thinking. I think coming back to college and being surrounded with so much social interaction put my over-thinking into overdrive. It eventually got to the point when I decided that it just wasn’t worth it anymore, and I needed to find ways to make it stop. So I did what it took for me to achieve peace of mind, and what’s surprised me most about all of it is how strong I have been.
Currently, I’m in a state of calmness. I don’t know if its just feelings that have been heavily repressed or whatever, but i feel like seeing what other people are doing no longer affects me as much as it did a few months ago. Waves of anxiety still hit me, and there are still days that I feel down for multiple reasons, but I’ve kind of been able to let it go (or block it off) most of the time. I guess in a way, I’ve achieved the impossible – to stop over-thinking.
I don’t really wonder if other people feel sorry for me, if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m being too annoying. People’s actions can still be hurtful or disappointing, but it’s not on me and I just needed to find ways to be more productive with my time. Self-pity is the last thing I need, and if theres nobody in store for me in the future that’s not something worth focusing on anyway.
I realize that a lot of this is scattered and vague, but I’ve never really been able to think like this and I’m still trying to understand it. In any event, this winter break should allow a lot more self-enrichment time and I definitely have more thoughts to share here. Just a couple of previews for my non-existent readers to look forward to…a timeline of what I’ve learned/how I learned it, general observations and something I’ve wanted to reflect upon for a long time – selfishness. (That list was mostly intended for me not to forget).