reasons why i would be okay with becoming a spinster

Disclaimer: While I am on temporary leave, here is my favorite pessimist sharing her world views on life and being a spinster 

hello! your usual spinster blogger is busy playing with a stray kitten/watching olympic archery/working with local nerds at work (look at her go!) so i thought that i, her faithful spinster friend, would fill in and share some of my own thoughts. you should be able to figure out who i am by reading this post but for those of you who would really like me to narrow it down to you, i will leave two factoids about myself. i am 1) a horrible biker and 2) into strong and scruffy jawlines. with that said, i will now outline and explain why i would be pretty cool with being that forever alone meme.

1. i’ve never been that interested in dating anyone
for the longest time, i’ve confused wanting to marry/date someone with just wanting to make out with them. it doesn’t matter if it’s a seemingly straight and good-looking male nurse or a rare hot asian, the moment i see this dude i’ll blab to my friends for hours on end about how he is PERFECT HUSBAND MATERIAL AND WE WILL HAVE A BEACH WEDDING WITH A PURPLE COLOR SCHEME IN OREGON. however, college  helped me bridge that disparity and now i realize that i’m just briefly blindsided by frenzied lust and all i want to do is kiss and never interact with him again. “you’re such a make-out whore,” people will say.  well that might be true, but nobody has ever died from mono, so be cool, everybody.
growing up with batshit-crazy overbearing asian parents (i will get to them in a second) has given me anxiety about talking to dudes and getting bad grades. that’s why whenever i see teenagers at the mall on a weekend being all coupley, i wonder to myself, “don’t those kids have a paper due on monday or have to study for SAT Math II or has the public school system truly failed us??” i don’t know about you, but those are concerns that keep me up at night.
and because i will always have a paper to write or a resume to tweak or hopefully a job to slave over for the rest of my life, i wouldn’t have time to watch romcoms or go ice skating or go eat at the cheesecake factory (or whatever else constitutes as date night activities). kissing at a dark party on a random night? yes please. being in a long-term relationship and having to share my feelings with some dude? ugh get over yourself i don’t have time for that shit. to me, work will always be first. finishing a paper on nuclear deterrence in south asia will always be more fulfilling than taking the next step with a guy. it’s very sad but it is what it is.

2. i would be an unfit parent
one of the things that happen when you are raised by crazies is that you turn out to be pretty crazy as well. disclaimer: my parents are not horrible people, they are perfectly vanilla asians who have never committed a felony and who have an affinity for screaming/making you feel like you’re part of the bomb squad. i stand by the belief that just because you can have kids doesn’t mean you should. there are psychos like this lady who could have been taught that the proper way to respond to your psych meds/hard drugs is not to cut off your kid’s privates. but i digress. if you need a license to operate a car or handgun, there should probably be some sort of certificate prospective parents need to earn in order to raise another freaking human being. but i feel like i’m sabotaging myself because i would probably be denied my parenting certificate solely based on the fact that i let my eight year old brother watch family guy and that he rolled off of the bed and splat on the ground when he was three months old because i was too busy watching teen titans. i’ll probably end up like those parents in japan who played so many video games that their baby starved to death. either that or my five year old will be very precocious in the field of sexual innuendo because i’ll let him/her watch my shows with me because God forbid the thought of having to watch endless reruns of dora the explorer (or in 20 years’ time, dora will be replaced with dawei the daring, a cartoon about a spunky chinese boy uncovering ancient chinese treasures with his talking sackpack, baobao, while teaching useful phrases of mandarin to preschool kids because by then it will be necessary to appease our chinese overlords. i don’t know, i’m just guessing here. another possible future cartoon: noor the nomad, a cartoon about a young arab girl and her talking water buffalo used to promote islamic tolerance in america. but i’m only brainstorming and those ideas are slightly racist. you’re welcome, nickelodeon).
either way, my kid would be pretty vulgar. i can imagine his/her sunday school teacher asking me in a very concerned tone if i knew he/she was rapping “will the real slim shady please stand up” in front of his/her peers and i would reply with feigned ignorance while stifling my giggles. the sunday school teacher would tell me she would be praying for my little delinquent. i would high-five my kid later that day.
with that said, because i was raised by very extreme parents that vacillated between stalin-like discipline and a “we’ll buy you whatever you want just please don’t hate us” mentality, i’m terrified that i’ll end up as either a tiger mom on steroids or one of those parents that smokes weed with their kid and names their kid saffron, and other kinds of hipster nonsense. i’ve expressed interest in wanting to read the iliad and the odyssey as bedtimes story to my future kids but i was quickly shut down by a friend of mine who told me that her kids would not be playing with my kids if i did that. but if i don’t do that i’ll probably send my kid to a school that grades on feelings with a dress code that involves a sari. in the end, my kid would probably end up resenting me and have a desire to take improv classes, so basically…we’re coming full circle here.

3. pregnancy freaks the shit out of me
i can thank my mother and graphic scenes of private practice for this (and possibly Eve for screwing up the birthing experience for women everywhere -you only had one rule to follow, you beezy). my mom was in labor for 27 hours with me during the pre-epidural days in china. she lost obscene amounts of blood and her freaking uterus while giving birth to my brother, so she hasn’t exactly painted a rosy picture of pregnancy for me. also, i already have problems with food and weight control, CAN YOU IMAGINE having my hormones go completely apeshit while carrying a giant swamp monster in my abdomen?? jenny craig would instantly approach me and ask if i would mind posing for the “before” pictures for their catalogs. i would say yes, but only if i was guaranteed a lifetimes’ supply free meal packages from them.
and what is this nonsense about developing diabetes and depression during pregnancy? i’m already well on the road to both ailments without a bun in the oven. i’m afraid growing a temporary rack isn’t worth a life-long dependency on splenda and prozac. other cons include the off-chance of pooping on the table and tearing my vag.
the only pros i can think of are a) not getting your period for nine months, b) eating 10 eggs a day without feeling guilty, and c) watching tv all day without feeling like a fatass because it’s basically your job to be fat now. i would most likely opt for adoption or surrogacy because i am almost positive that my womb, much like my disposition, would be very hostile.
i also feel like i would be doing a disservice to the world if i brought in another human with my headshape into this world. both my vagina and children would absolutely hate me forever. think of all the torment my future basketball-headed offspring would have to endure!

4. kids freak the shit out of me
let me just come out and say that all babies portrayed on tv are a bajillion times more gorgeous than your run-of-the-mill commoner baby. i feel like michelle tanner on full house and lily on modern family ruined my expectations for all real-world babies, including my brother. when he was born, he looked like some rat king from a new york city sewer and i thought to myself, this is what you’ve been gestating for the past nine months, mom? he doesn’t even have a cool catchphrase, who do you think you’re kidding? full disclaimer: i don’t hate kids and i would never, ever hurt one (unless it’s my brother and he’s being a giant dickhead); i just don’t have a natural fondness for them. whenever i’m forced to interact with a family friend and her newborn, i always try to avoid the kid as much as possible. but if i absolutely must comment on the kid, i’ll say something totally bizarre, like “aw he just pooped all over himself! how…..precious?” or “you know when my brother was three months old, he rolled off of the bed while i was babysitting him and i thought he died for the first thirty seconds? anyway your baby has great coloration in his cheeks.” this usually gets me out of all baby talk for the rest of the night.
also, i really just can’t deal with kids. i’m not saying i can’t, because i totally can, due to my weird obsession with reading yahoo shine articles, but i just don’t want to deal with them. they ask too many questions that i don’t have the patience to answer and they’re always wiping their food drippings on my clothes and biting me (is that supposed to be cute!?!). my way of placating upset children includes sticking them in front of a tv or feeding them until they are so overwhelmed with processed food that they pass out. my way of punishing children when they act like complete douchebags includes depriving them of their favorite tv shows and snackfoods until they come groveling back asking for forgiveness. i could console them by actually talking to them and explaining things but i just really don’t want to. this has worked on my brother for the past eight years and he has blossomed into a fine young man who only sometimes acts like an asshole around bedtime and once called me a bitch for pushing him into a closed elevator. and in case you were wondering, this kid still wipes his food on my clothes and bites me when we fight over who gets to play temple run on my iphone.
to make things worse, all of the douchebaggery/assholery that kids exhibit when they are little is multiplied exponentially when they become teenagers (i would know because i was one of these said teenholes). i must have been (i still am) a nightmare to raise because i was impossible to negotiate with. it’s like stalin trying to have his way with kim jong il (i am of course, the latter because i am asian, short, and fat) -absolutely nothing gets done and everyday it feels like WWIII is on the verge of breaking out. that, combined with with my hulk-like PMS makes me the absolute worst. but honestly, if i were a parent i would be so conflicted because i would want my kid to stand up for his/her opinions but at the same time i wouldn’t be able to stand any of that free spirit shit. in the end, i would probably just ship him/her off to boarding school where i wouldn’t have to deal with his/her shit on a daily basis and be able to drink at 3 pm without worrying about being a bad influence. have i won the mommy of the year award yet?

5. (i felt the need to end on a prime number because they’re also very lonely) i enjoy being alone.
i mean this in the sincerest/non-depressing way possible. i’ve never been much of a companionship person. i enjoy working out alone because i can stand on the sides of the treadmill when i’m tired without feeling physically inferior to my workout buddy and i watch all of my tv shows/movies alone because people are constantly breaking my no talking during tv rule. i talk to myself when i do math. i like sleeping alone because i get ALL THE BLANKETS AND THE WHOLE BED to myself and i love it. i might even pull a marshall and lily and try to sleep in separate beds if and when i get married because the concept of blanket sharing to me is laughable. i don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to forget birthdays and holidays -wouldn’t i be saving you money if i didn’t go out for dinner and a movie with you on martin luther king jr. day?? but that might just be my dude-brain talking. plus, think of all the money i’ll be saving you on your phone bill by not texting you all the time! we’re still in a recession, you know.
also, the coolest people married super late or not at all. examples include: ellen, tina fey, kristen wiig, mindy kaling, oprah, condoleeza rice, coco chanel…jon hamm. they are all so respected for what they have accomplished in their careers and i want to be just like them. maybe i’ll end up in some kind of baby mama scenario where i’m 40 and babyless and questioning the meaning of my existence and decide to mate with the first dude who makes me a smoothie that day. or maybe i’ll find a guy that i’ll want to go to costco and buy cereal with for the rest of my life and raise beautiful big-headed halfie babies with him. nonetheless, this marrying and babymaking thing doesn’t really concern me. it might start concerning me when high school friends who would have definitely failed to earn the fictitious parenting certificate start popping out babies like michelle duggar, but i will be mature enough by then to know to mind my own business and judge from a distance. i’ve accepted the fact that i’ve turned into my father and will one day be a devoted spouse to my work. some people are like that, and it’s okay.

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One thought on “reasons why i would be okay with becoming a spinster

  1. “dawei the daring, a cartoon about a spunky chinese boy uncovering ancient chinese treasures with his talking sackpack, baobao, while teaching useful phrases of mandarin to preschool kids because by then it will be necessary to appease our chinese overlords”
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA classic. i’d watch it.

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