So remember way back in my first post where I made a brief mention of a spinster club that I was a part of? Well, today’s post will reveal a bit more. We consist of four members, all girls, and although our personalities are very different our common ground is the fact that we have been and will be spinsters for a long time. Obviously not all four of us will remain this way, which will only make it that much more depressing when there are only two, or god forbid one left in this soulless group.
Either way, the reason I’m mentioning this is because of a ThoughtCatalog article I read this morning (which i’m sure the other three will read shortly) titled 41 Reasons Why You’re Still Single. Although I myself couldn’t identify with all 41 of them, the four of us combined covers the list so well it would make the author proud.
So, here’s the full list matched with my commentary on the person(s) that best embody the trait. Their names are abbreviated in order to for my conscience to be clear. I’m generous like that.
Disclaimer: Not all claims made here are completely true, some may be greatly or not at all exaggerated. Either way, I present this with the best of intentions from a good place in my heart. This disclaimer may or may not have been another attempt to clear my muddled conscience.
41 Reasons Why You’re Still Single
By Nico Lang
1. Watching every episode of Arrested Development a hundred times takes up a lot of your free time.
While not neccessarily Arrested Development, a certain Y does watch TV until 6 AM and then proceeds to wake up at 3 PM. No wonder it’s hard for her to meet someone. Edit: I found this on C’s twitter today, I guess she fits this one perfectly now:
“how have i neglected to watch arrested development for so many years????
2. You already have three husbands you are very devoted to. Their names are Aaron Sorkin, Jay Gatsby and Binge Eating.
I know Binge Eating well, he’s one of C’s husbands. Her other two are not any more real/living.
3. Often food finds its way back out of the garbage and into your mouth. How did that get there?
That’s disgusting!!! None of us would ever do anything like that, not even if it’s leftover Cheetos or some other delicious snack.
4. You don’t remember the last time you did laundry.
This one isn’t too bad, but it would probably be Y or C.
5. Sometimes you’d rather just fall asleep while watching Felicity or Joseph Campbell documentaries than even attempt to have intercourse with someone.
No comment. I hate documentaries.
6. Your Snuggie isn’t built for two.
This could be all of us, but definitely most likely to be S holed up in that Snuggie and sleeping forever.
7. The only pitter-patter of little feet you want in your apartment right now is from the cockroaches in the kitchen, who at least feed themselves and presumably change all their own diapers.
That’s actually really gross, and there aren’t too many cockroaches where we live so we’ll pass. One that we can’t relate too, can you say score?!
8. Your parents haven’t gotten up the nerve to directly have you married off, but sometimes at Christmas, you see a strange glaze come over your mother’s eyes and you know she’s thinking it.
I’m not even going to try to deny it. This is my mother. It’s still a little early for her to marry me off but for sure I know it has crossed her mind.
9. The only blind date you ever liked was the time you and an ex got drunk and watched The Miracle Worker on DVD.
N/a. There are no exes in the picture. The only likely one would be S’s middle school relationship but she doesn’t drink.
10. In late fall and winter, you like to not shave your legs or your back or your chest or anything for a solid four months and not have to have to worry about anyone looking at it.
This is definitely Y. Her chest hair is out of control.
11. When you get home, you just want to put on the sweatpants and not give any fucks.
All of us, hands down.
12. You don’t want anyone to know just how often you watch Toddlers and Tiaras. No one goes near your TiVo.
C’s unhealthy relationship with TV can be manifested here.
13. Hogging the whole bed and just rolling around in it comfortably is often just as good as having someone in it with you.
Sometimes it’s just easier if you can roll around however you want without worrying about others sleeping or being annoyed right?
14. You watched Fatal Attraction for the first time and never want to go back in that water again.
Personally I’ve never watched this though I can’t say the same for the other 3, so we’ll have to pass on this one.
15. To quote the immortal Cher Horowitz — sage guide of all mankind — you know how picky you are about your shoes, and they only go on your feet.
Definitely S. Her small feet makes it difficult to purchase normal shoes. She must wear Coach sneakers and Tory Burch flip flops.
16. You plan on actually reading Infinite Jest or Finnegan’s Wake this summer, meaning you are clearing your schedule of any other commitments ever.
C or S. Though I have started to read my own dose of David Foster Wallace lately.
17. Meg Ryan set you up to fail.
Eh. Not really an important one.
18. You fart way more often than you would like to be accountable for.
Im so sorry but it’s you, Y. Jk. But your interest in poop is unsettling.
19. You are terrified of turning into your mother/father and even more than that, anyone ever bringing that up to you.
Definitely C. It’s not just her that’s terrified of turning into her parents, we’re all scared for her too.
20. You are equally nervous that you’ve already romantically peaked. How dare your ex for being such a good partner and setting the bar so high?
LOL definitely not possible.
21. You only ever see the same 15 people on OkCupid and one of them is your cousin.
N/a. Not OkCupid users YET.
22. Fiona Apple just won’t let you be happy.
Some artists do that to you.
23. You had to read The Awakening in high school, and you never really got over it. Because that’s what happens when you are in love, and it’s the worst thing ever. You give up your children and then drown in a lake.
I read it in my first year in college actually, and I have to say that novel did strike a nerve. I was pretty exasperated at Edna I mean that woman just doesn’t know how to stop. Until she did.
24. You, unfortunately, probably won’t marry Ryan Gosling or Christina Hendricks, because they won’t return any of your calls, and definitely can’t marry Doctor Who, because he isn’t real. And Anderson Cooper is gay now (or if you are gay, already taken), so you are even more doomed.
It’s a real tragedy for all of us, this one.
25. You leave the bathroom door open, a lot. You sometimes forget the bathroom even has a door, and you’re all like, “Wait, we don’t pee in a barn?”
Not sure about this one, but I’m sure the irrational logic behind it is relatable to us.
26. Your mother won’t stop pulling out your baby photos and your dad probably still has that shotgun for potential mates.
My parents. They’re taking all the heat here but as a single child that is relatively obedient, that’s what you get.
27. You can’t stop drunk dialing people, even though you barely know how to work the smart phone that the people at the door swore you were smart enough to figure out. Drunk dialing, that you can do.
Hahahhahahaaha….I think we all know which one this is. I did enjoy her drunken calls in a strange accents until I refused to pick up any more.
28. You never cook ever, and one time, you seriously considered using the oven to hold excess pairs of shoes because Lorelai Gilmore told you it was a good idea. Who are you to argue with a Gilmore?
S cooks, but she swears by Gilmore Girls so I’m not sure how this one plays out.
29. Your kitchen sink could be certified as a disaster area some days, especially if those days fall during finals week or thesis deadlines.
N/a but it would be Y or C.
30. You tend to fall in love with everyone you meet, and you can’t legally marry all of them. Also, Big Love proves that if you did marry all of them, it would be exhausting and one of them would be played by Chloe Sevigny. So, no, thank you.
Not really any of us.
31. Your imaginary girlfriend or boyfriend dumped you when you were 12, and you are still pining for them.
I do miss Mark sometimes. Jk.
32. Your cat can’t sign a marriage license or write wedding vows because of a lack of opposable thumbs, but if she could, you would make her so happy, just like a Rihanna song.
S’s future cat(s) will be awarded this fine treatment by their owner.
33. When you add up your best friends, they are like having a spouse already, and they are just as needy as one. And usually, when you are out with any of them, people think you are either dating, married or conjoined twins.
We four are basically each other’s four spouse for each other at this point.
34. You don’t get bars that aren’t dive bars. How the hell can you be expected to hear anyone when the blaring techno beats won’t leave your ears alone? PISS OFF, KE$HA. Instead, you would rather go to a place where all the patrons remind you of Tom Waits songs and typical conversation involves Reaganomics and Vietnam flashbacks.
It can get pretty loud in there. I can’t say that I haven’t seriously contemplated brining out the earplugs at bars.
35. You know that society expects you to go out and look like a Nicki Minaj video on Friday nights, but most of the time you would secretly rather stay in, have about five glasses of wine and watch reruns of Nova on PBS. Because you are internally a 50-year-old woman.
All of us. But more S or C.
36. Your life model is Liz Lemon, which is great for most things but a very bad idea when it comes to relationships.
Wow, need I say more? C has a whole tumblr and life dedicated to all things Liz Lemon/Tina Fey
37. The pizza delivery guy doesn’t sell future husbands, just future sadness when you see the five pizza boxes lying near the trash and you know that no one else ate pizza in your apartment last night.
This can be us when we all hang out together and decide to order pizza.
38. Every time you tell your therapist that you are ready to start dating again, they chuckle. Not an outright laugh that would overtly acknowledge the ludicrousness of your idea, but just something to make you nervous about it. You are thinking of getting a therapist to help you deal with being in therapy.
I completely agree with this. One day, when I have enough money.
39. You have a bad habit of running into things when you check someone out, like you are the lead in a 90s romantic comedy.
Could happen to any of us, although S is definitely the walking disaster in the group.
40. You really like being single and being your own person, and not just because the Spice Girls told you to. You know you could be just as empowered in a relationship, but right now, you are just cool doing you. Got a problem with that, Mom, Grandma, and that guy at the grocery store checkout who is weirdly insistent upon the fact that you should be “settled down?” Tough.
THAT’S RIGHT. Sounds like something S would say to the rest of us in a depressing time.
41. Settling is for pilgrims. You’d rather be with someone when it doesn’t feel like settling, it just feels right.
One of my greatest fears is to settle. Although I played one in our 3rd grade Thanksgiving play, I don’t think being a pilgrim is really for me.
Source: ThoughtCatalog @thoughtcatalog.com
Well, there you have it. Out of the 41, we don’t really identify with fewer than 5 items. Is that amazing or what? How many do you fulfill? Hopefully, it’s a lot less than us, which would probably explain a lot.