reasons why i would be okay with becoming a spinster

Disclaimer: While I am on temporary leave, here is my favorite pessimist sharing her world views on life and being a spinster 

hello! your usual spinster blogger is busy playing with a stray kitten/watching olympic archery/working with local nerds at work (look at her go!) so i thought that i, her faithful spinster friend, would fill in and share some of my own thoughts. you should be able to figure out who i am by reading this post but for those of you who would really like me to narrow it down to you, i will leave two factoids about myself. i am 1) a horrible biker and 2) into strong and scruffy jawlines. with that said, i will now outline and explain why i would be pretty cool with being that forever alone meme.

1. i’ve never been that interested in dating anyone
for the longest time, i’ve confused wanting to marry/date someone with just wanting to make out with them. it doesn’t matter if it’s a seemingly straight and good-looking male nurse or a rare hot asian, the moment i see this dude i’ll blab to my friends for hours on end about how he is PERFECT HUSBAND MATERIAL AND WE WILL HAVE A BEACH WEDDING WITH A PURPLE COLOR SCHEME IN OREGON. however, college  helped me bridge that disparity and now i realize that i’m just briefly blindsided by frenzied lust and all i want to do is kiss and never interact with him again. “you’re such a make-out whore,” people will say.  well that might be true, but nobody has ever died from mono, so be cool, everybody.
growing up with batshit-crazy overbearing asian parents (i will get to them in a second) has given me anxiety about talking to dudes and getting bad grades. that’s why whenever i see teenagers at the mall on a weekend being all coupley, i wonder to myself, “don’t those kids have a paper due on monday or have to study for SAT Math II or has the public school system truly failed us??” i don’t know about you, but those are concerns that keep me up at night.
and because i will always have a paper to write or a resume to tweak or hopefully a job to slave over for the rest of my life, i wouldn’t have time to watch romcoms or go ice skating or go eat at the cheesecake factory (or whatever else constitutes as date night activities). kissing at a dark party on a random night? yes please. being in a long-term relationship and having to share my feelings with some dude? ugh get over yourself i don’t have time for that shit. to me, work will always be first. finishing a paper on nuclear deterrence in south asia will always be more fulfilling than taking the next step with a guy. it’s very sad but it is what it is.

2. i would be an unfit parent
one of the things that happen when you are raised by crazies is that you turn out to be pretty crazy as well. disclaimer: my parents are not horrible people, they are perfectly vanilla asians who have never committed a felony and who have an affinity for screaming/making you feel like you’re part of the bomb squad. i stand by the belief that just because you can have kids doesn’t mean you should. there are psychos like this lady who could have been taught that the proper way to respond to your psych meds/hard drugs is not to cut off your kid’s privates. but i digress. if you need a license to operate a car or handgun, there should probably be some sort of certificate prospective parents need to earn in order to raise another freaking human being. but i feel like i’m sabotaging myself because i would probably be denied my parenting certificate solely based on the fact that i let my eight year old brother watch family guy and that he rolled off of the bed and splat on the ground when he was three months old because i was too busy watching teen titans. i’ll probably end up like those parents in japan who played so many video games that their baby starved to death. either that or my five year old will be very precocious in the field of sexual innuendo because i’ll let him/her watch my shows with me because God forbid the thought of having to watch endless reruns of dora the explorer (or in 20 years’ time, dora will be replaced with dawei the daring, a cartoon about a spunky chinese boy uncovering ancient chinese treasures with his talking sackpack, baobao, while teaching useful phrases of mandarin to preschool kids because by then it will be necessary to appease our chinese overlords. i don’t know, i’m just guessing here. another possible future cartoon: noor the nomad, a cartoon about a young arab girl and her talking water buffalo used to promote islamic tolerance in america. but i’m only brainstorming and those ideas are slightly racist. you’re welcome, nickelodeon).
either way, my kid would be pretty vulgar. i can imagine his/her sunday school teacher asking me in a very concerned tone if i knew he/she was rapping “will the real slim shady please stand up” in front of his/her peers and i would reply with feigned ignorance while stifling my giggles. the sunday school teacher would tell me she would be praying for my little delinquent. i would high-five my kid later that day.
with that said, because i was raised by very extreme parents that vacillated between stalin-like discipline and a “we’ll buy you whatever you want just please don’t hate us” mentality, i’m terrified that i’ll end up as either a tiger mom on steroids or one of those parents that smokes weed with their kid and names their kid saffron, and other kinds of hipster nonsense. i’ve expressed interest in wanting to read the iliad and the odyssey as bedtimes story to my future kids but i was quickly shut down by a friend of mine who told me that her kids would not be playing with my kids if i did that. but if i don’t do that i’ll probably send my kid to a school that grades on feelings with a dress code that involves a sari. in the end, my kid would probably end up resenting me and have a desire to take improv classes, so basically…we’re coming full circle here.

3. pregnancy freaks the shit out of me
i can thank my mother and graphic scenes of private practice for this (and possibly Eve for screwing up the birthing experience for women everywhere -you only had one rule to follow, you beezy). my mom was in labor for 27 hours with me during the pre-epidural days in china. she lost obscene amounts of blood and her freaking uterus while giving birth to my brother, so she hasn’t exactly painted a rosy picture of pregnancy for me. also, i already have problems with food and weight control, CAN YOU IMAGINE having my hormones go completely apeshit while carrying a giant swamp monster in my abdomen?? jenny craig would instantly approach me and ask if i would mind posing for the “before” pictures for their catalogs. i would say yes, but only if i was guaranteed a lifetimes’ supply free meal packages from them.
and what is this nonsense about developing diabetes and depression during pregnancy? i’m already well on the road to both ailments without a bun in the oven. i’m afraid growing a temporary rack isn’t worth a life-long dependency on splenda and prozac. other cons include the off-chance of pooping on the table and tearing my vag.
the only pros i can think of are a) not getting your period for nine months, b) eating 10 eggs a day without feeling guilty, and c) watching tv all day without feeling like a fatass because it’s basically your job to be fat now. i would most likely opt for adoption or surrogacy because i am almost positive that my womb, much like my disposition, would be very hostile.
i also feel like i would be doing a disservice to the world if i brought in another human with my headshape into this world. both my vagina and children would absolutely hate me forever. think of all the torment my future basketball-headed offspring would have to endure!

4. kids freak the shit out of me
let me just come out and say that all babies portrayed on tv are a bajillion times more gorgeous than your run-of-the-mill commoner baby. i feel like michelle tanner on full house and lily on modern family ruined my expectations for all real-world babies, including my brother. when he was born, he looked like some rat king from a new york city sewer and i thought to myself, this is what you’ve been gestating for the past nine months, mom? he doesn’t even have a cool catchphrase, who do you think you’re kidding? full disclaimer: i don’t hate kids and i would never, ever hurt one (unless it’s my brother and he’s being a giant dickhead); i just don’t have a natural fondness for them. whenever i’m forced to interact with a family friend and her newborn, i always try to avoid the kid as much as possible. but if i absolutely must comment on the kid, i’ll say something totally bizarre, like “aw he just pooped all over himself! how…..precious?” or “you know when my brother was three months old, he rolled off of the bed while i was babysitting him and i thought he died for the first thirty seconds? anyway your baby has great coloration in his cheeks.” this usually gets me out of all baby talk for the rest of the night.
also, i really just can’t deal with kids. i’m not saying i can’t, because i totally can, due to my weird obsession with reading yahoo shine articles, but i just don’t want to deal with them. they ask too many questions that i don’t have the patience to answer and they’re always wiping their food drippings on my clothes and biting me (is that supposed to be cute!?!). my way of placating upset children includes sticking them in front of a tv or feeding them until they are so overwhelmed with processed food that they pass out. my way of punishing children when they act like complete douchebags includes depriving them of their favorite tv shows and snackfoods until they come groveling back asking for forgiveness. i could console them by actually talking to them and explaining things but i just really don’t want to. this has worked on my brother for the past eight years and he has blossomed into a fine young man who only sometimes acts like an asshole around bedtime and once called me a bitch for pushing him into a closed elevator. and in case you were wondering, this kid still wipes his food on my clothes and bites me when we fight over who gets to play temple run on my iphone.
to make things worse, all of the douchebaggery/assholery that kids exhibit when they are little is multiplied exponentially when they become teenagers (i would know because i was one of these said teenholes). i must have been (i still am) a nightmare to raise because i was impossible to negotiate with. it’s like stalin trying to have his way with kim jong il (i am of course, the latter because i am asian, short, and fat) -absolutely nothing gets done and everyday it feels like WWIII is on the verge of breaking out. that, combined with with my hulk-like PMS makes me the absolute worst. but honestly, if i were a parent i would be so conflicted because i would want my kid to stand up for his/her opinions but at the same time i wouldn’t be able to stand any of that free spirit shit. in the end, i would probably just ship him/her off to boarding school where i wouldn’t have to deal with his/her shit on a daily basis and be able to drink at 3 pm without worrying about being a bad influence. have i won the mommy of the year award yet?

5. (i felt the need to end on a prime number because they’re also very lonely) i enjoy being alone.
i mean this in the sincerest/non-depressing way possible. i’ve never been much of a companionship person. i enjoy working out alone because i can stand on the sides of the treadmill when i’m tired without feeling physically inferior to my workout buddy and i watch all of my tv shows/movies alone because people are constantly breaking my no talking during tv rule. i talk to myself when i do math. i like sleeping alone because i get ALL THE BLANKETS AND THE WHOLE BED to myself and i love it. i might even pull a marshall and lily and try to sleep in separate beds if and when i get married because the concept of blanket sharing to me is laughable. i don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to forget birthdays and holidays -wouldn’t i be saving you money if i didn’t go out for dinner and a movie with you on martin luther king jr. day?? but that might just be my dude-brain talking. plus, think of all the money i’ll be saving you on your phone bill by not texting you all the time! we’re still in a recession, you know.
also, the coolest people married super late or not at all. examples include: ellen, tina fey, kristen wiig, mindy kaling, oprah, condoleeza rice, coco chanel…jon hamm. they are all so respected for what they have accomplished in their careers and i want to be just like them. maybe i’ll end up in some kind of baby mama scenario where i’m 40 and babyless and questioning the meaning of my existence and decide to mate with the first dude who makes me a smoothie that day. or maybe i’ll find a guy that i’ll want to go to costco and buy cereal with for the rest of my life and raise beautiful big-headed halfie babies with him. nonetheless, this marrying and babymaking thing doesn’t really concern me. it might start concerning me when high school friends who would have definitely failed to earn the fictitious parenting certificate start popping out babies like michelle duggar, but i will be mature enough by then to know to mind my own business and judge from a distance. i’ve accepted the fact that i’ve turned into my father and will one day be a devoted spouse to my work. some people are like that, and it’s okay.

On Becoming A Spinster: Cat-Lady 101

There are a ton of stray cats in my compound, and the literally crazy cat-lady that leaves food out for these cats isn’t helping to control the cat population. Rumor has it that her garage is piled high with her stash of cat food, and everyday at 5 AM she sets out plates of food and water all across the compound, hidden in bushes so they aren’t easily picked up by the workers or guards. One time, a little kid found a plate of cat food near his house and wanted her to stop putting it there, so he went to talk to her very nicely. She did not take the news well and actually hit him, but I think he ran away before any serious damage was done. Anyway, there was obviously a lot of backlash from this incident so her family assured everyone that she was mentally unstable (although how is that an assurance) and that they would be moving in August. Well, today is July 30th so we’ll see how that goes.

This post isn’t about this lady but I thought it provided some nice background to set up the scene. Either way, I sure hope I won’t end up like her…but that doesn’t mean my life has to be one devoid of cats. A few months ago, a kitten fell into our backyard (which is actually a floor underneath ground floor so it’s not easy for them to escape) and cried for days until my dad found him/her, then promptly released her. After hearing this story, I really wished that my dad had kept this cat since apparently it was pretty cute. I don’t know if he acted on my wishes or some sort of midlife crisis, but he began to take the food that the cat-lady hid and brought it to our backyard, hoping to attract the same cat back into our backyard.

That cat didn’t return, but another kitten did fall for it and ended up trapped just like the first one. It’s been about two weeks since this has happened, and we have been feeding and visiting her regularly. She has orange/brown fur with a white-tipped tail, and two bright yellow eyes. Her mom also comes around at least once everyday, and I think that makes her scream and plead for a way out. One day she did manage to escape, but a few days later she was back, stuck in the same situation as before so we’re not exactly the ones to blame. My dad and I gave her a shower yesterday, and she was pretty darn cute.

All this rambling does amount to something, I promise, as monitoring this cat (we named her LV, but that’s a whole other story that is not as horrendous as the name) has shown me a glimpse into why a cat is considered the pet of spinsters and loners across the world.

A cat is so lazy. LV probably sleeps about 15 hours a day minimum, and she never wants to play or walk around…just sleep. A spinster doesn’t necessarily sleep for 15 hours a day, but there is some activity that shuts her off from the world that makes her AWOL for a significant amount of time, away from society. A cat also gives off a sense of vulnerability that makes you think she wants you, but she really rejects you when you try to give her too much attention. That’s okay though, spinsters should get used to this feeling. Lastly, a cat is so feisty that when she actually behaves you can’t help but feel so proud and loved…but that’s only because you haven’t received any love from her in a long-ass time.

Anyway, I still think I’m more of a dog-person, but if I ever get a cat I wouldn’t be too surprised. Not only would it make me one step closer to becoming a permanent spinster, it gives me an excuse for being one. Although, if I DO get a cat, I’m sure he/she will be one of the few socially competent and adorable cats, in other words, a purr-fect (sorry, I could not resist) representation of his/her owner.

If My Life Was Made Into a Reality Show…

I think it’d be a huge snooze-fest. I understand that for the most part a lot of reality shows are staged and scripted and whatnot, but there has to be some precedent there that makes for an interesting life. I feel like if it just came down to your background/environment/surroundings, my circumstances wouldn’t be the worst candidate for a reality show. However, for something to be about my life, my interactions and relationships…honestly I don’t know how much memory space and rolls of tape would be wasted on me.

I’m not vying for the Kardashian lifestyle here – I’m blessed to have the friends that I have and be able to travel to many places, but I’m almost sure that it’s not in my nature to have a drama-filled life. I tend not to associate myself with highly dramatic people or place myself in situations of high intensity, so for the most part it’s my own preference. However, I would be lying if I said that I never second-guessed this relatively PG, some may even consider lackluster way of life. It’s partly because I feel like I’ve set myself up in a comfort zone where things can get boring and it’s easy to miss the party, but it’s also the comfort zone that makes stepping out of it that much more daunting.

99% of it is in my head. My ability to over-think everything, my sarcastic and cynical viewpoints (because optimism hasn’t worked out so far), and my fear of becoming too emotional or vulnerable. Drop the theme of being unlucky in romance and step back to view me as a whole…how is this identity going to be shaped in the future and how will my current one affect the direction of the future?

For the most part, this blog is a place for me to drop (most of) my inhibitions and just have no shame. Make fun of what I want, talk about what I like or don’t like, slip into and soak up the life of a spinster. The entire time I’ve been writing this post, I’ve also been pondering what I should set the visibility as, since it’s the first (of few I hope) “serious” posts that I have made. I thought about private, but then this post may as well not have been published. I thought about password protected and showing it to a select few friends, but I feel like that’s placing too much vulnerability and weight into it. Then I thought about making it public, since it’s not their views I fear, but the ones in between strangers and close friends.

But for what it’s worth, I have decided to make it public, since their (strangers’) views are the ones I seek the most. I doubt that it’s even going be a big deal, but this is just a tiny glimpse into how I reach decisions and what my thoughts consist of. Hey, at least it shows that boring spinsters can be cray cray too – just not the kind of crazy that most people are used to.

The Guide to Eating Out Alone

Eating alone in public was a fear that I was unable to get rid of until college. High school’s universal lunch times and cafeteria really didn’t do much for the person that ate alone. Ill-intended or not, thoughts of “this person’s a loner” inevitably occur to the bystander. In college, this got a lot better because everybody’s schedules would be different; there would also be ample one or two-seater options in the dining hall. Also, all the other things on your mind just made it that much easier to stop caring about any potential judgments.

However, this does not mean that my fear has been completely eradicated, as an extension of the notion of eating alone is still deeply troubling. It is one of eating alone in public, except this time I mean the REAL world: eating at a restaurant. Cafes and coffee shops don’t count, since often it’s meant to be enjoyed alone anyway. I’m talking about the restaurants where there’s a hostess at the door that asks you, “Table for – oh god forbid – one?” In which you have little option but to hold your head high and offer a subtle nod in hopes that nobody else saw your independent pursuit to eat out.

There are a couple of things to do that could ease the pain in this experience. Although I have yet to fully commit in eating out alone at a restaurant (I really need to learn how to get over it soon and I will definitely reflect the experience here), here are some actions that I would take to make the experience that much more rich and vivid.

1) Getting seated: It’s likely that you will be led to what’s really a small two-person table. Therefore, there will be two sets of plates and silverware. You have an important decision to make here: do you keep it there to maintain the illusion that someone is coming? Or are you just going to screw it and let it be known loud and clear that nobody else is coming. This one is a toss-up, since eating with an empty chair and dining set can also give off the impression of being stood up, which might be less noble than owning up the fact that you had always intended to enjoy this meal alone anyway.

2) Ordering. This could go in several directions too, depending on your budget/what kind of food you like to eat. There’s the option of ordering elegantly – what you would eat on a date that would still maintain the same level of attraction is what you’ll order here. However, I would probably go all-out. Order anything and everything you’d like – so what if it’s 3 appetizers and 3 desserts? You’re alone! This is the time where all the other judging diners don’t really apply since it’s unlikely that you’ll interact with them once the night is over. Honestly, order something that you want to eat all by yourself and as ugly as you may be while eating it, it’s going to be delicious.

3) Waiting for food: This is a point I’d like to stress: NO SOCIAL MEDIA. No distractions. Giving in would be a personal failure because your interactions with others, cyber-based or not negate the point of eating alone. However tempting this may be, refrain from falling into the trap. It’s not worth it, and you would have endured so much for nothing, since it’s not really eating alone. It’s cheating. So…just wait patiently. Start people-watching. Honestly, there are few opportunities that top people-watching alone at a restaurant.

4) Eating your food: Alas, your food has finally arrived! It’s time to enjoy all of it, and don’t hesitate to eat that corn on the cob shamelessly while corn pieces fly out of your mouth and the others get stuck in your teeth. Open your mouth wide to eat that hamburger while the meat juices flow down your chin. Accidentally drop something. Make a huge mess on your table. Finish all your fries. Get more. Do whatever you want, it’s you against the world!

5) Order dessert. This is a must. I don’t care how full you are but you have to order dessert. It’s a sign of total acceptance and embrace of your independence. Again, get whatever you want, extra orders are not only accepted, they’re recommended.

6) Getting the check and paying: This part gets a little dark, since it is your wallet that has to take the damage. Gone are the days of sharing the bill or getting treated by others. You’re on your own. It’s going to be painful but I’d recommend using a charge card just so you don’t have to see each dollar ($54) being separated from you.

7) Leaving: This is a tough call. If you think eating alone is something that you will regularly participate in , then I would recommend you just to slip out discreetly without bothering the rest of the diners. However, for whatever reason, if this is something that is more of a once-in-a-decade activity, make a grand exit. You really have to master the full potential in this experience, so do whatever you think makes yourself known that you ate alone, and that you were a badass the entire time.

8) Reflect: You did it! You have finally fully committed to the experience of eating alone in a very public place. It takes a lot of guts and willpower to do so, but it’s one more thing to cross off that bucket list and you should feel triumphant. Honestly, I feel a little hypocritical to be writing up a guide that I myself cannot follow, but I promise that someday I will. To be honest, it sounds like an awesome time and getting over this fear would likely help me in getting over other ones. Who knows, you might meet someone on this personal endeavour, in which case you would put his/her number in your bag and the back of your mind until the next day because this meal is, and always will be, all yours.

41 Reasons Why We’re Single

So remember way back in my first post where I made a brief mention of a spinster club that I was a part of? Well, today’s post will reveal a bit more. We consist of four members, all girls, and although our personalities are very different our common ground is the fact that we have been and will be spinsters for a long time. Obviously not all four of us will remain this way, which will only make it that much more depressing when there are only two, or god forbid one left in this soulless group.

Either way, the reason I’m mentioning this is because of a ThoughtCatalog article I read this morning (which i’m sure the other three will read shortly) titled 41 Reasons Why You’re Still Single. Although I myself couldn’t identify with all 41 of them, the four of us combined covers the list so well it would make the author proud.

So, here’s the full list matched with my commentary on the person(s) that best embody the trait. Their names are abbreviated in order to for my conscience to be clear. I’m generous like that.

Disclaimer: Not all claims made here are completely true, some may be greatly or not at all exaggerated. Either way, I present this with the best of intentions from a good place in my heart. This disclaimer may or may not have been another attempt to clear my muddled conscience.

41 Reasons Why You’re Still Single

 Jul. 2, 2012
By Nico Lang

1. Watching every episode of Arrested Development a hundred times takes up a lot of your free time.
While not neccessarily Arrested Development, a certain Y does watch TV until 6 AM and then proceeds to wake up at 3 PM. No wonder it’s hard for her to meet someone.

Edit: I found this on C’s twitter today, I guess she fits this one perfectly now:
“how have i neglected to watch arrested development for so many years???? #thanksnetflix

2. You already have three husbands you are very devoted to. Their names are Aaron Sorkin, Jay Gatsby and Binge Eating.
I know Binge Eating well, he’s one of C’s husbands. Her other two are not any more real/living.

3. Often food finds its way back out of the garbage and into your mouth. How did that get there?
That’s disgusting!!! None of us would ever do anything like that, not even if it’s leftover Cheetos or some other delicious snack.

4. You don’t remember the last time you did laundry.
This one isn’t too bad, but it would probably be Y or C.

5. Sometimes you’d rather just fall asleep while watching Felicity or Joseph Campbell documentaries than even attempt to have intercourse with someone.
No comment. I hate documentaries.

6. Your Snuggie isn’t built for two.
This could be all of us, but definitely most likely to be S holed up in that Snuggie and sleeping forever.

7. The only pitter-patter of little feet you want in your apartment right now is from the cockroaches in the kitchen, who at least feed themselves and presumably change all their own diapers.
That’s actually really gross, and there aren’t too many cockroaches where we live so we’ll pass. One that we can’t relate too, can you say score?!

8. Your parents haven’t gotten up the nerve to directly have you married off, but sometimes at Christmas, you see a strange glaze come over your mother’s eyes and you know she’s thinking it.
I’m not even going to try to deny it. This is my mother. It’s still a little early for her to marry me off but for sure I know it has crossed her mind.

9. The only blind date you ever liked was the time you and an ex got drunk and watched The Miracle Worker on DVD.
N/a. There are no exes in the picture. The only likely one would be S’s middle school relationship but she doesn’t drink.

10. In late fall and winter, you like to not shave your legs or your back or your chest or anything for a solid four months and not have to have to worry about anyone looking at it.
This is definitely Y. Her chest hair is out of control.

11. When you get home, you just want to put on the sweatpants and not give any fucks.
All of us, hands down.

12. You don’t want anyone to know just how often you watch Toddlers and Tiaras. No one goes near your TiVo.
C’s unhealthy relationship with TV can be manifested here.

13. Hogging the whole bed and just rolling around in it comfortably is often just as good as having someone in it with you.
Sometimes it’s just easier if you can roll around however you want without worrying about others sleeping or being annoyed right?

14. You watched Fatal Attraction for the first time and never want to go back in that water again.
Personally I’ve never watched this though I can’t say the same for the other 3, so we’ll have to pass on this one.

15. To quote the immortal Cher Horowitz — sage guide of all mankind — you know how picky you are about your shoes, and they only go on your feet.
Definitely S. Her small feet makes it difficult to purchase normal shoes. She must wear Coach sneakers and Tory Burch flip flops.

16. You plan on actually reading Infinite Jest or Finnegan’s Wake this summer, meaning you are clearing your schedule of any other commitments ever.
C or S. Though I have started to read my own dose of David Foster Wallace lately.

17. Meg Ryan set you up to fail.
Eh. Not really an important one.

18. You fart way more often than you would like to be accountable for.
Im so sorry but it’s you, Y. Jk. But your interest in poop is unsettling.

19. You are terrified of turning into your mother/father and even more than that, anyone ever bringing that up to you.
Definitely C. It’s not just her that’s terrified of turning into her parents, we’re all scared for her too.

20. You are equally nervous that you’ve already romantically peaked. How dare your ex for being such a good partner and setting the bar so high?
LOL definitely not possible.

21. You only ever see the same 15 people on OkCupid and one of them is your cousin.
N/a. Not OkCupid users YET.

22. Fiona Apple just won’t let you be happy.
Some artists do that to you.

23. You had to read The Awakening in high school, and you never really got over it. Because that’s what happens when you are in love, and it’s the worst thing ever. You give up your children and then drown in a lake.
I read it in my first year in college actually, and I have to say that novel did strike a nerve. I was pretty exasperated at Edna I mean that woman just doesn’t know how to stop. Until she did.

24. You, unfortunately, probably won’t marry Ryan Gosling or Christina Hendricks, because they won’t return any of your calls, and definitely can’t marry Doctor Who, because he isn’t real. And Anderson Cooper is gay now (or if you are gay, already taken), so you are even more doomed.
It’s a real tragedy for all of us, this one.

25. You leave the bathroom door open, a lot. You sometimes forget the bathroom even has a door, and you’re all like, “Wait, we don’t pee in a barn?”
Not sure about this one, but I’m sure the irrational logic behind it is relatable to us.

26. Your mother won’t stop pulling out your baby photos and your dad probably still has that shotgun for potential mates.
My parents. They’re taking all the heat here but as a single child that is relatively obedient, that’s what you get.

27. You can’t stop drunk dialing people, even though you barely know how to work the smart phone that the people at the door swore you were smart enough to figure out. Drunk dialing, that you can do.
Hahahhahahaaha….I think we all know which one this is. I did enjoy her drunken calls in a strange accents until I refused to pick up any more.

28. You never cook ever, and one time, you seriously considered using the oven to hold excess pairs of shoes because Lorelai Gilmore told you it was a good idea. Who are you to argue with a Gilmore?
S cooks, but she swears by Gilmore Girls so I’m not sure how this one plays out.

29. Your kitchen sink could be certified as a disaster area some days, especially if those days fall during finals week or thesis deadlines.
N/a but it would be Y or C.

30. You tend to fall in love with everyone you meet, and you can’t legally marry all of them. Also, Big Love proves that if you did marry all of them, it would be exhausting and one of them would be played by Chloe Sevigny. So, no, thank you.
Not really any of us.

31. Your imaginary girlfriend or boyfriend dumped you when you were 12, and you are still pining for them.
I do miss Mark sometimes. Jk.

32. Your cat can’t sign a marriage license or write wedding vows because of a lack of opposable thumbs, but if she could, you would make her so happy, just like a Rihanna song.
S’s future cat(s) will be awarded this fine treatment by their owner.

33. When you add up your best friends, they are like having a spouse already, and they are just as needy as one. And usually, when you are out with any of them, people think you are either dating, married or conjoined twins.
We four are basically each other’s four spouse for each other at this point.

34. You don’t get bars that aren’t dive bars. How the hell can you be expected to hear anyone when the blaring techno beats won’t leave your ears alone? PISS OFF, KE$HA. Instead, you would rather go to a place where all the patrons remind you of Tom Waits songs and typical conversation involves Reaganomics and Vietnam flashbacks.
It can get pretty loud in there. I can’t say that I haven’t seriously contemplated brining out the earplugs at bars.

35. You know that society expects you to go out and look like a Nicki Minaj video on Friday nights, but most of the time you would secretly rather stay in, have about five glasses of wine and watch reruns of Nova on PBS. Because you are internally a 50-year-old woman.
All of us. But more S or C.

36. Your life model is Liz Lemon, which is great for most things but a very bad idea when it comes to relationships.
Wow, need I say more? C has a whole tumblr and life dedicated to all things Liz Lemon/Tina Fey

37. The pizza delivery guy doesn’t sell future husbands, just future sadness when you see the five pizza boxes lying near the trash and you know that no one else ate pizza in your apartment last night.
This can be us when we all hang out together and decide to order pizza.

38. Every time you tell your therapist that you are ready to start dating again, they chuckle. Not an outright laugh that would overtly acknowledge the ludicrousness of your idea, but just something to make you nervous about it. You are thinking of getting a therapist to help you deal with being in therapy.
I completely agree with this. One day, when I have enough money.

39. You have a bad habit of running into things when you check someone out, like you are the lead in a 90s romantic comedy.
Could happen to any of us, although S is definitely the walking disaster in the group.

40. You really like being single and being your own person, and not just because the Spice Girls told you to. You know you could be just as empowered in a relationship, but right now, you are just cool doing you. Got a problem with that, Mom, Grandma, and that guy at the grocery store checkout who is weirdly insistent upon the fact that you should be “settled down?” Tough.
THAT’S RIGHT. Sounds like something S would say to the rest of us in a depressing time.

41. Settling is for pilgrims. You’d rather be with someone when it doesn’t feel like settling, it just feels right.
One of my greatest fears is to settle. Although I played one in our 3rd grade Thanksgiving play, I don’t think being a pilgrim is really for me.

Source: ThoughtCatalog @thoughtcatalog.com

Well, there you have it. Out of the 41, we don’t really identify with fewer than 5 items. Is that amazing or what? How many do you fulfill? Hopefully, it’s a lot less than us, which would probably explain a lot.